Remorse
by Scrylethia
Summary: Mallymkin had always loved him, but she knew they could never be- as a mouse, she was just too small. Alice, on the other hand, had him falling hard; he lost his fragile hold on sanity, and not even Mally could bring him back. Rated for some violence.
1. Numb

**Chapter 1- Numb**

Contrary to common belief, Hatter didn't regret letting her go. He didn't stop to wish, not even for a moment, that he had made her stay. If it was what she wanted, he had no place, no right, to stop her. He knew just because he loved her didn't mean she would love him back.

Even besides that, she had family in her world. It would have been far too selfish if he tried to force her to stay- he wouldn't have been able to live with himself knowing he had stopped her from following her heart. But that didn't stop him from missing her, and missing her made him quite, quite insane.

I'm sure you would be too, if there was someone so perfect who you loved more than anything else, but who didn't love you. Someone you had dreamed of for 13 years before they came back, and once you finally saw them again, they left.

When she was only 6 he had marveled at her curiosity and bold muchness, and the courtesy to others she was able to keep despite being headstrong. When she came a second time, he could hardly believe it.

There she was again in all her splendor, her curiosity still intact, and she was stunning. She had grown into a beautiful young woman, and he couldn't stop his heart from stirring at the sight of her. But something was wrong. He knew right away she was the right Alice- there was no other in his eyes- but she had grown much too small. Her muchness was gone. And he was determined to get it back.

He believed in her right from the start when no one else did, and he sacrificed his freedom for hers. When she went to Red Queen's palace to rescue him she already seemed so much stronger, and Hatter almost let himself believe that she might feel something for him, too.

Clearly she at least considered him her friend, and that was enough to make him happy. When he escaped execution and she greeted him outside White Queen's palace, she seemed so happy he wasn't dead, he dared to let himself believe that maybe, just maybe, she felt a little of what he felt for her, and though he fought hard to keep it down, he was ecstatic.

He didn't even care when she suggested he wasn't real- after all, she still hadn't remembered from the last time, and even if he was merely a dream, who's to say one cannot fall in love in a dream? He was just grateful he had the opportunity to feel how he felt for Alice.

It made him happier than he could have ever imagined just being close to her, and he didn't care whether or not he was real- his emotions were, and he had never felt so good.

Then, as she stood in shining silver armor, he stood at her side, feeding her confidence, convincing her nothing was impossible if only she believed in it. And once it was all over, she was presented with the blood of the vicious beast she had slain.

He still let himself dare to consider that maybe she felt the same as he did, but he had to know for sure. She had to make a choice, and he quietly- barely daring to hope- presented her other option,

"You could stay." Although he hadn't said it out loud, he was sure if she felt the same way that simple invitation would be enough to let her know he loved her, at least until he could get her alone. And then her reply,

"What an idea. A crazy, mad, wonderful idea." She smiled broadly, and he thought that was it- they could live happily together in Underland for the rest of time. Elation threatened to burst his heart. Could such a happy ending even exist in real life?

For just a few bittersweet seconds, he allowed himself to believe that it could. Then just as suddenly, before he could express his happiness, her face fell.

"But I can't." His heart froze in its tracks. "There are questions I have to answer, things I have to do." Of course. Had he forgotten? She had a family in her world, and a life she was just beginning.

No one in her world even knew where she was. Had he really thought she would just forget about the life she had made and all the people who cared about her? There was no way she could stay here and leave them in the dark.

"I'll be back again before you know it." She tried to sound hopeful, to appease him. She clearly couldn't tell he loved her, but she did know he would miss her, and she wanted to ease his pain until she came back. But he knew that was the end- Underland didn't need her anymore, and there's no way she would come back on her own, if only because-

"You won't remember me." He knew that to be true. Once she went back into her world, she would keep the confidence he had taught her to find, but she would only remember Underland as a dream, if at all.

Not that he blamed her for it- in a world such as hers, with no proof of Underland's existence; it would be all too easy for all the people around her to convince her it had been a fantastical dream.

The scratches on her arm could have been from thorns on her run through the woods, and her delusions were a result of the fall- she did hit her head. Her flight and outburst would be dismissed as stress from the surprise proposal. And yet still she pleaded otherwise,

"Of course I will! How could I forget?" With that, she quickly drained the jabberwocky blood. He wished her fairfarren, and once she had faded into nothing he called out to her, silently,

"How did you forget the last time?" And he knew he would never get an answer. Alice was gone, and she would never come back.

He spent his days dreaming of her- her long hair that fell across her shoulders like golden waves of the sea, crashing against shores he could not reach. Her eyes, so deep and brown, with different flecks and shades hidden deep in its depths like the secrets of a wild forest. Her skin, soft and warm like milky white snow, now as far away as the moon.

Being in love with Alice after she had left was the cruelest torture he had ever faced, and one he doubted he would be able to endure. He could see her so clearly in his mind's eye, yet when he reached out to touch her, he felt empty air close in around him.

He became so frustrated at her loss, the insanity he spent his life trying to suppress took over. He could see her and hear her gentle voice in his dreams, but he could not feel her- and even as he desperately sought her out with his imagination, he knew she wasn't really there, before him.

He didn't feel hurt or sad, but he suffered. Oh, how he suffered. His heart pained him so much he began to wish he knew how to pull himself apart. He wished he knew how to crush his rib cage and drag his still-beating heart from his chest into the open air. He wished he could split his skull open and claw out the searing frustration that grew stronger every day.

It was no wonder he crashed through his house on a daily basis, throwing, ripping, and destroying everything in sight. He had to have some outlet for it all- but no matter what he destroyed or how he screamed, it was never enough.

His agony haunted him and clouded his delicate sanity until he was far beyond hope of ever finding it again. Eventually, his emotions grew larger than human capacity could tolerate, and the Hatter grew numb. His destructive outbursts became small fits of rage, and the rest of his time he spent assuming his usual position at the head of the tea table, thoughtless and unfeeling.


	2. Secret

**Chapter 2- Secret**

Mallymkin had a secret. She had been keeping it for years, waiting for him to figure it out. She never really expected he would, but couldn't stop herself from dreaming. There's certainly no way she could tell him- not in a million years.

He was human, after all, and she was a dormouse- the basic laws of nature forbade them from ever being together. She just couldn't help falling for him. He was simply perfect- his beautiful eyes that betrayed his emotions, his gentle, childlike nature, and that hint of madness she couldn't help adoring.

Mallymkin loved the Hatter dearly- she always had. Of course, she couldn't ever admit it to anyone- she didn't even admit it to herself. She was Mallymkin, after all. The small, fiery dormouse fiercely loyal to her friends, always looking for a fight.

But in love? And with the Hatter, of all people? Never. Not her. It was just so out of character, and she knew if anyone found out they wouldn't be able to take her seriously. It was laughable, really- a mouse in love with the Hatter! If there was one truly impossible thing in Underland, she was sure that was it.

But she couldn't change her heart. And even if it was an impossible relationship, it still felt good to be in love. Even from a distance, having tea every day with him, watching him enjoy himself, still brought her pleasure.

And though she knew it would never happen, she dreamed that one day he would notice her, and they could be happy together. She had accepted her life would be like that; always wishing, and she was content with it- until Alice returned.

Mallymkin knew it was the wrong Alice. It had to be- she didn't even remember Underland! When they were attacked by the bandersnatch, she saved Alice anyway- she wasn't about to let some innocent girl die, no matter who it was.

Then when she showed up at the tea party, Hatter jumped up and walked _over_ the tables _on top of the tea sets_ to see her, and believed in her from the very beginning.

Mallymkin was only slightly irritated- what was the big deal anyway? Why should he be so excited even if it was the right Alice? No one else had given her that kind of reception.

She dismissed the matter quickly, but took it up again when he invited Alice to travel by hat, but refused to let her tag along. Her irritation turned to hot anger when she heard he had been captured by Red Queen, and on Alice's behalf, at that!

She stormed off to Red Queen's palace immediately, and heaven help anyone who stood in her way. When she finally infiltrated the palace, Alice was already there. Her initial reaction was shock, followed quickly by anger. Hatter had given himself up to keep Alice away from this place. So what was she thinking coming back on her own?

"What are you doing here?" She snapped. Alice replied,

"Rescuing the Hatter." Mallymkin was about ready to kill her for that. He had forfeit his freedom to make sure she wasn't taken here- he wanted her as far away as possible- and now she had come back on her own expecting to do him a favor? What was she thinking?

Even more importantly, rescuing him was Mallymkin's job. She was the one who really cared for him, and she would be the one to save him. Every day of her life for the past several years she had spent watching him at his everlasting tea party, because Time had trapped him at 6 O'clock.

Watching, always watching, but she had never been able to do anything for him, never been able to show how much she cared. And now, Alice wanted to take that opportunity for herself? She didn't have the right!

"I'm rescuing the Hatter!" She snapped at Alice again, more fiery this time. "Tarrant is mine to save!" she thought to herself. But Alice carried on anyway. Not for the first time, she wished she wasn't so small; maybe if she was a decent size people would think her worth listening to.

Then Alice took the bandersnatch eye to exchange for the vorpal sword. She didn't mind that so much- it was her destiny, after all. And Alice was a good friend- it wasn't that Mallymkin didn't like her.

The only problem was the Hatter. Alice had not come back just for the sword- she had come for him as well. And although she talked big, Mallymkin was simply too small to stop her.

Reluctantly she pushed her doubts aside, her heart still twisted with angst. She had to get him away from Red Queen's palace before he lost his head for real- and she had to do it before Alice did.

Mally found him making hats in his room, and despite the circumstances, he did seem to feel some joy at being back in his trade. Once she got his attention, she quickly began to pick the lock on his chains with the small pin she used as a sword. When the lock was nearly ready to give in, Alice threw the door open and approached, the vorpal sword in hand.

"How's this for muchness?" she exclaimed, raising it above her head, positioned to bring it down upon Hatter's chains. So it was to be Alice to the rescue again- Mally had failed to stop her. And now the situation was even worse- if the vorpal sword touched those chains, it would lose its hunger for jabberwocky blood.

"No, no! It mustn't be used for anything other than-" Hatter's warning was cut short by the arrival of the Red Knight. There's no chance Mally could win against him- though she would gladly die trying. But their first priority was to make sure Alice could escape.

Mixed emotions and doubts swirled in her mind, clouding her judgment- a fatal mistake. In her desperation to see her friends safe, she carelessly blurted out,

"Run, Alice!" Immediately, she covered her mouth with both hands, as if that could erase what she had done. But it was too late- the dormouse had doomed them all.

"Way to go, Mallymkin," she scolded herself, "Not only did you fail to rescue your precious Hatter, now you'll have to watch them both die." She would have gladly continued along this train of thought, but the hesitation caused by her cry to Alice only lasted a moment.

"Run," Hatter added quietly as all eyes trained on Alice, and she turned on her heels and fled, leaving no more room for thought. Mallymkin, despite how much she wanted to hate herself, pulled herself together quickly and pulled Hatter's chains out from under the table.

Even if she didn't have a chance against Stayne, and Hatter couldn't finish him without a sword, he could at least buy enough time for Alice to escape. Tarrant didn't have any real weapons, but Mally was amazed at how well he could fight using only his work materials.

She pulled out the pin he had given her to use as a sword and continued to marvel at his skill- she had trained her whole life to wield it just as well as any expert swordsman, but without it she was helpless. And even with her pin, she was far too small to kill unless she could somehow reach the major arteries in their neck. The only thing she could really do was prick peoples' feet.

In her eyes, she would never be as good as she wanted to be on the battlefield. She would never be good enough to save a friend's life. She wasn't even good enough to keep Alice's identity a secret, and that was something even a mouse should be easily capable of!

Naturally, they couldn't beat Stayne. Alice, thankfully, escaped on the bandersnatch, still in possession of the vorpal sword. But Mally and Hatter were captured, and sentenced to execution. To be perfectly honest, Mally believed she deserved it. Losing her head would be her payment for failing to protect Hatter, and then betraying Alice.

Hatter, on the other hand, had every right to live, and for that reason alone, she kept her wits about her in her cell. She paced all night long, wracking her brain to come up with a way to save him.

By the time the execution came the next morning, she still didn't have a solution. She and the Hatter were brought before the queen. Hatter bowed his head below a fierce looking axe with a surprisingly rough edge. Mallymkin had wanted to go first- she couldn't stand to see Hatter die before her eyes while she did nothing- but there was nothing for her to do. She offered the only condolence she had for him, and herself-

"I'm right behind you." At least, if he had to die, she would die alongside him. The axe was raised and she flinched as it came down- unwilling to watch but too terrified to drag her eyes away.

She was astounded to see his body disappear, before his floating head morphed back into its original shape- that of the Cheshire Cat.

"Good morning, everyone," He brightly addressed the court. Mallymkin thought she might just die of shock and overwhelming relief. Hatter would live!

"Chess," she thanked him fondly, "You dog." He gave her a wink, and then all turned to watch as Hatter emerged unharmed from behind the Queen's throne, and began an uprising right in her own court! Mally couldn't have been more delighted.

Red Queen reacted quickly with her most powerful weapon- fear. The jubjub bird was released to wreak havoc onto those rebelling against her. At that, Mally had to admit, she was afraid; mice were naturally the prey of carnivorous birds, and she had changed her mind about something.

She didn't want to die. She wouldn't give up so easily. Yes, she had badly messed things up, but in the end it had brought them closer to their goal. And she wanted to live to make up for it- she would keep fighting, both against the Queen and for the sake of her own heart.

Despite the fact that she was a mouse, if she could love the Hatter, there was still a chance he could love her back, and she wouldn't let Alice take that away.

She called out to him as the Queen's court scattered into disarray, and ran into his open hands. As they began their journey to White Queen's palace, she wanted to stay like that forever- crawling into the warmth of his gentle, worn-out hands, and traveling on the soft brim of his hat.

Eventually the final battle came around, and after Alice defeated the jabberwocky, she made the decision to go home. Mally knew the Hatter cared for her, knew he would be sad to see her go. She didn't know how much of an understatement that was.

They resumed their normal tea parties when they could- March Hare mostly kept to cooking in White Queen's palace, and Hatter mostly kept to destroying things in his home. His eyes were always the fierce gold that came with intense anger and frustration. Mallymkin tried to calm him down, she really did- but she was nearly killed by a flying vase in the process.

She decided the best thing she could do was set the table and wait for him to come outside and take his normal place at its head. She was sure he would come around eventually.

When he finally did come back out to the tea table, she realized how wrong she was. He wouldn't speak or react to anything, like his mind was numb and he had left this world. And his irises were a color she had never seen before- blank white. She would have cried if she had the strength.

**Author's Note: How's the story so far? What do you guys think of Mallymkin? This is my first fanfic, so any feedback is appreciated. My next chapter will be about Alice, so stay tuned. Thanks for your time. Fairfarren all! -Scrylethia**


	3. Reality

**Chapter 3- Reality**

"Fairfarren, Alice." It was the last thing Hatter said to her. She smiled to herself, halfway back from China, after awakening from another of her frequent Underland dreams. But her smile quickly faded. While in china, she had met another girl.

The girl had been hired as a translator, but they became fast friends. Eventually, even though she had never said a word to anyone else, Alice trusted her enough to retell her adventures in Underland. The other girl had been enthralled, until she figured out Alice actually believed this place was real.

From that point on, she became intent on proving to her friend it was all a delusion, knowing if Alice continued believing in it, she would be thrown into an asylum. Alice resisted at first, showing her the only proof she had access to in China- the scars on her arm.

But those were easily dismissed as scratches from thorns. Even if thorns didn't penetrate deeply, some contained poisons just harmful enough to leave scars, but not enough to cause illness. In fact, the girl was able to refute any point Alice could make.

"I was there, I saw it." You saw it because you were dreaming- you did hit your head when you fell into that hole.

"If it was all because of the fall, then how do you explain the white rabbit? I saw him before I hit my head." That's because you were feeling pressure from the surprise proposal and your conflicted feelings, combined with the natural heat of the day.

"What about those memories from when I was little? I've never dreamed of anything else!" It's quite common to have reoccurring dreams, in your case that was probably even more likely due to how imaginative your father was.

"Then why was I so much more confident when I came back?" Dreams we have are really just our subconscious trying to solve problems. When Hamish proposed, he gave you a new problem, so your mind came up with a new dream, and the dream it made was able to solve the problem. That's why you felt so confident.

"But I even saw Absolem in this world- twice, in fact." Blue caterpillars and butterflies are average, everyday creatures. Just because they were in a dream doesn't mean every bug you see is magical.

Her friend was only trying to help, but Alice only became more confused than she had ever been. It seemed so logical that Underland wasn't real. And how could it be? A place as fantastical as Underland- no way it could ever exist. Even while she was there she had known it was a dream.

But she didn't want it to end like that. She had so many wonderful adventures there, and had met so many amazing friends. She couldn't just dismiss them as a delusion- could she?

The brave, feisty dormouse, Mallymkin, who had doubted her at first, but saved her from the bandersnatch nonetheless- and even she had come to believe in Alice eventually. At first she wasn't sure how well they would get along, but Alice came to think of Mally almost like a second sister.

Then there was the Hatter, who had faith in her from the start, even when Alice didn't believe in herself. And when she stepped up to face the jabberwocky, he had stood beside her, giving her strength. He sacrificed his freedom for hers, and would have sacrificed his life, too, if the Cheshire cat hadn't stepped in to save the day.

Cheshire cat was another of her dear friends. He had shown her the way to the Hare and the Hatter when she was lost in the woods, and although at times he could be very lazy and selfish, he often came through for his friends, and she could rely on him if she ever needed a favor- as well as providing a fair amount of comic relief.

March hare didn't do much other than throw things at seemingly random times, but once Alice got the hang of it he was rather predictable, and she grew rather fond of him.

Bayard had seemed untrustworthy at first, but he turned out to be a loyal friend, and the White Queen was kinder than Alice had even thought possible.

After meeting all of them for a second time, remembering her childhood experience and finally convincing herself Underland was real, could she really change her mind? But did it make sense for her not to? What if she was clinging to a dream, only to please people who weren't even real?

"You won't remember me." Hatter's words rang in her head, and for just a moment she accepted Underland without question. Maybe he wasn't the only one who needed a wakeup call sometimes.

She decided as soon as she got back home, she was heading straight into Underland for a visit. Before she heard another word about it, she had to have some proof that it was real. And until then, no matter how much she struggled, even if she did become convinced it was a dream- she still wouldn't forget. If only because she had promised him, she had to remember.

**Author's Note: I realize I left a review stating I was going to London; however, feeling quite encouraged by the two reviews I've acquired so early on in the story, I found myself typing late into the night to get you this chapter today. Chapter 4 will be posted on either Sunday or Monday- and next time I'll be going into the present tense, so keep reading! A big thanks to the reviewers, and anyone who has read this story. Sorry for the lengthy note. Fairfarren all!**

**-Scrylethia**


	4. Thoughts of a Thoughtless Nature

**Chapter 4- Thoughts of a Thoughtless Nature**

I still can't feel. I suppose I could, if I really wanted to, but I don't. The strangest thing is, I can't remember why. Or rather, it's not that I've forgotten- at least, I'm sure I could remember if I tried, but it's much easier not to.

It's so much easier just to sit here and not think at all. I'm still capable of thinking, of course, it's just that I have this feeling that if I did think, I would remember something I don't like, and then I might be sad. Or, no, not sad- angry? Frustrated, maybe?

I don't even know what frustrated feels like, or angry, for that matter. I don't think I can remember what it feels like to feel. But then again, I don't think to begin with. I wonder… No, I don't wonder anymore. Wondering is almost like thinking, I think, and I think if I thought I wouldn't like it.

Oh, and there's something else that's peculiar- I've been referring to myself as "I". I don't know if that should be odd or normal- but I don't think, so I suppose I've no way of finding out.

See, if I'm calling myself "I", that must mean I'm talking to someone. But there's no one around, and I'm not saying anything out loud, so I must not be talking to anyone. Does that mean I'm thinking? No, I can't be thinking, because I have to use my head to think, but I haven't moved my head for quite some time.

Do I have a head? Am I even a person? How would I know? I suppose I must at least exist, because if I didn't exist I wouldn't be around to think all these thoughts which I'm not actually thinking because I don't think, and I don't use my head.

This brings me to my next point- it seems like I should be addressing myself with a name. The trouble is, I can't seem to remember if I have one. I could try to remember, but I still have a feeling that remembering would be unpleasant, and I don't think I have anything worth trying for.

But then again, I don't think. So does that mean I know? Knowing isn't the same as thinking- it can't be- if it was they would both be the same word. Then that must be it. I know there isn't anything worth trying for.

That still doesn't answer the question (it's not really a question because I'd have to think to come up with a question, and even more for an answer) of my name. If I have one. Actually, now that I'm not thinking about it- or at all- I don't think I need a name.

If no one's around to use my name, I don't need to have one. And therefore, trying to remember it is even more of a waste of time, because even if I did have one, there's nothing for me to do with it. And if there's nothing for me to do with it, there's no point in me having one.

But if I'm calling myself "I", does that make "I" my name? What is a name, anyway? Is it something other people call me, or something I call myself, or is it what I am? And if my name is what I am, then do I need one after all? If my name is nonexistent, does that make me nonexistent?

Does it matter anyway? No, it doesn't. I'm nameless, thoughtless, I don't have a past, and the only thing I can ever see or hear is white nothingness. Perhaps it's better that I don't exist. If I did exist, I wouldn't have any effect on the world, anyway. Assuming the world exists to begin with.

Oh, it looks like my silent thoughtlessness has been interrupted. But by who? I still don't see or hear anyone around. I'm certain that no one is there. And even if someone were there, I'm not here to hear them.

And yet every now and then, there's something that interrupts my thoughtless thinking. I haven't the slightest idea what it could be, but whatever it is, it just won't let me rest. It's quite annoying. And no matter how I ignore it, it just keeps coming back.

I think at this point I think I would have to think to come up with a way to make it stop. But I can't do that. I can't. If I think if I let my guard down for even a second, whatever it is might just break through. And even though I don't think, I don't think I can take all the thinking and remembering if I did try.

But then again, if there's no reason for me to try, what reason do I have not to try? Oh, that's right, I'm sure if I tried I would feel unpleasant. I won't try, then. I'll just have to hope whatever it is goes away on its own. But if I don't think, I don't think I can hope either.

Ah! I just can't concentrate on not concentrating with that annoying whatever it is bothering me! I have to get rid of it. But getting rid of it means thinking. I can't think, no matter what.

But if I don't think, I'll never be able to not think in peace. Maybe if I only thought a tiny, tiny bit, just to get rid of whatever it is, then I could go back to not thinking. That's it. That's what I'll do. I'll only think a tiny little bit…

"Hatter!"

Was that… My name? It was my name, wasn't it? It was. My name is Hatter. I make hats. And the person I care about more than anything else in the world all put together- is Alice.

What a beautiful name. What a beautiful girl. No, not beautiful, that word is far too common. It's used almost every day, maybe even more than that. Such words could ever truly describe Alice. No words will ever be good enough to describe Alice.

Alice… Left… Alice wanted to leave. She's gone and she's never coming back. I don't want to know. I don't want to know my name or hers or anyone else's. Because as much as I love loving her- no, no it can't be. And the more time I spend thinking about it the worse off I will be.

It's better not to think at all, not to dream or hope. It's far better not to feel than to feel the pain that comes with-

**Author's Note: Yes, I know, I'm a day late. Please don't kill me! Well, actually, you could if you wanted to, but you'd have to think in order to want that, wouldn't you? (evil laugh) Yeah. Back on topic, I am very, very sorry for the delay. I am a very busy, jetlagged girl. But I hoped you liked this. Present tense, Hatter's perspective. As of now for the foreseeable future (unless I change my mind) I will tell the story in segments from each character's point of view, just as I've been doing. Next chapter belongs to Mallymkin, and will be posted at some point within the week, so stay tuned! Thank you for reading, and please review if you have the time. Fairfarren all!**

**-Scrylethia**


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